With many thanks to Todd Weiss for his "OFF THE..." resources and ideas!
Me: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I’m so excited!!!! I can’t believe
you’re actually giving me permission to be FREE!!! Off the hook!!! Running
rampant like a lone Wildebeest in the Arizona
countryside!!!
Mom: Wha..? HOW did you get that out of, “Roo, I’ve enrolled
you in an off-lead class for a happier, more controlled hiking experience??”
Me: It’s gonna be WILD!!
Mom: It’s a class… a HIGHLY CONTROLLED class.
Me: I've got so much to do! Outfits to choose, bling to
display, my chaise lounge, my pillows…!
Mom: Whoa there, Nellie. We will be taking a plain collar, a
long lead and some tasty, smelly treats. I’d say we’re bringing water, but the
last time I took you to a class you refused to drink anything and insisted
instead on STANDING in the water bowl looking smug.
Me: *humming* OK, here’s my flowered collar, my Swarovski leash, my sunglasses…
Mom: ROO!!
Me: Mom, this will be OFF THE HOOK!!!
Mom: It’s a controlled class…
Me: OFF THE WALL!!!
Mom: …with an instructor and everything…
Me: OFF THE CHARTS!!!
Mom: …organized… well organized…
Me: OFF THE RAILS!!!
Mom: …with a test.
Me: OFF THE… Whoa…. WHA..?! A TEST?? Seriously??? How can I
be a simple free spirit cavorting about the wilderness [in my designer outfit
with my cushion and food and attendant *cough* Mom *cough*] with a friggin’
test hanging over my head??
Mom: The purpose of this class is to make sure you mind me
when we go hiking.
Me: Are you OFF YOUR MEDS?!?!
Mom: You, young lady, are getting way OFF TRACK!
Me: PPPFFFTTT!!! I’m
going OFF THE GRID to prepare for my debut.
Mom: Crap… Is that your subtle way of telling me to buckle
up and get ready for a bumpy ride… er… class?
Me: *whistling softly* I shall be the Perfect Little Roo. *smirk*
Hmmm… now which of these hats shows off my fur better? And my backpack… where’s my sparkly backpack?
Hmmm… now which of these hats shows off my fur better? And my backpack… where’s my sparkly backpack?
Mom: *shivers*
Me: Yep. This class is gonna be Off. The. Hook.
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| Me in my simple hiking garb exhibiting a 'happier, more controlled hiking experience.'
Photo © Nick Hunseder
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